Category: News and Views
To the citizens of the United States of America,
in the light of your failure to agree a budget and thus to govern yourselves competently, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable David Cameron, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2025. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders,your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called rounders, which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. September 30th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,you will go metric with immediate effect and conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. The substances formerly known as American Beer will henceforth be referred to as Near-Frozen Knat's Urine,with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen,Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or Gasoline, as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2014) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $8/US gallon- get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.
This drivel makes American arrogance look practically charming.
I actually wish the Native American populace were sufficiently large to start a re-conquest effort.
I actually find this amusing. Oh, yes, it was I who killed JFK. Feel better now that you know?
This is yet more of that satire that's been made mention of in previous threads.
I chuckled a couple of times but that's the best I can say, I'm afraid.
Would have been more funny if this weren't the third time I've seen this redone. You'd think that a satirist could at least come up with something more original.
shouldn't this be in the joke board, or elsewhere?
Call me distasteful, but I had a great laugh. I love this satire--And no, I havent' seen it elsewhere.
A lot of this made sense to me more so perhaps than to most of you, because I live with a man who lived in England for five years, then came back to the states and still gripes about how Brittish life is so superior. lol.
I have to agree with at least the first few of these points. Especially football. I don't mind soccer, but I hate football. Wouldn't mind it it disappeared.
I just think it's ironic that the British can make fun of Americans' arrogance with...yet more arrogance. I really don't think the British can talk. Practically every one of them I've met, some of them lovely people, all thought they were superior to anyone else, in every way. lol
Its alright Meglet. We'll just let Germany have them. Sixty some odd years over due, but I'm sure the germans wouldn't mind. We'll send a nice apology letter to berlin saying we're sorry we saved Britain's snobby ass, and let the German's move onto the island. Could do the same with France too.
Anyone else notice the taxation without representation? No parliamentarians, and yet their tax collectors would be here to collect.
I also have noticed the arrogance complaining about arrogance.
This is the society, by the way, who outlawed the speaking of Welsh in the 1800s, school kids could get themselves caned for it. And earlier, anyone caught playing an Irish harp (with metal and not gut strings) would be hanged. And many who were exported to the New World as criminals had committed such aggregious acts as steal a loaf of bread from nobility.
Just my thoughts, even though it's culturally unpopular to do anything but fawn over the Brits and their celebrities / royalty in the U.S.
I personally have nothing against us or them, but just a bit of tit for tat.
Agreed, Leo. I'm as disgusted as anyone else with the current state of affairs in this country, but the writer of this piece is truly pathetic in his/her hypocrisy. It is proof, though, that even eloquent and verbose people can find themselves with nothing better to do than try to make themselves feel better about their own pitiful lives by belittling others.
Poster 1, you are discusting. That's not at all funny.
Warm flat beer? Iwhwhwhwhwhwhwhwhwhwhwhwhwhwhw!
lol good idea Cody
Calm down people. First, I can garrantee the OP didn't write this. I saw it when we elected Obama, when we had the stalemate in congress over the budget and I think one other time, but don't quote me. Its nothing new. In fact, if you search, you'll find another board with practically this exact same thing written on it. Its nothing to get you're panties in a twist over. Its just satire. The first time I read it it was funny.
That's fucking great! lol!
Hi Cody,
YOu got me. No, I didn't write this. I did go and change all the dates though as I realise I had a duty of care to my fellow zoners to be current.
I was tempted to start my follow up post with 'Dear newest subjects and and armchair insurrectors from Upper Canada and Rupertsland', but having read post 13, I was worried about poor Kevikins spontaneously combusting. While my admittedly slopy shouldered conscience can cope with yanking a few chains, I'm not sure that even it could cope if the dear fellow had done himself a mischief on my account.
Dudes and dudettes,
Please, and I say this with all due respect here, calm the hell down.
It was a joke, and a pretty funny one at that.
I'm as American as anyone else who lives in the not so great state of Virginia, and I had a good laugh.
I'm sure it's a reposty chain letter type thing, but it's just a board post.
I mean, you gotta admit, we in America aren't doing such a great job with the whole governance thing right at the moment.
Thank you. finally, someone agrees with me regarding this. lol
I'll concede it all when everyone tells South Africans to take a joke, or Indians to take a joke, or any other peoples colonized by the British Empire. Sure, I was giving back a bit of friendly tit for tat, but it's not lost on me how some people groups are expected to not respond to these types of things, while others are lauded for getting virulently upset over the same.
I dare any of you to pull a stunt like that regarding a former African colony, or India, and see if everyone tells peoples from there to quietly take a joke.
Was I really upset? No. But certainly the double standard is not lost on me, and hasn't been since about ten years ago when I finally opened my eyes to this stuff.
I personally found it hilarious and actually learned a thing or two, so I like it.
I agree with Leo. While I wasn't personally offended (I'm not American) I found it...kind of childish, I suppose, especially given the general attitude of the British towards...virtually anybody who isn't them. I won't act all pious though; I'll admit bits of that made me laugh.
LOL. I found myself laughing so hard I almost peed my pants quite a few times.
Come on people. If this were the UK's Gov, some American would have posted. Smile.
Damn, I loved it.
The problem with you British is you should have kept all the American's and let us Indians run out own place as we saw fit.
We'll send them back, okay? Lol.
Oh, and about these things you call motors? Aren't you suppose to ride them, not push them all the time?
Lol Wayne, point taken.
Oh and "god! Save the Queen. She needs a real Kentucky Whiskkey.
found it funny. did not take it seriously.p.s. try to take my guns away from me and you will end up with a big ass hole u can fit a cricket ball through!
Wayne... why would she drink that Kentucky shit when she has free and easy access to any number of good Scotch Whiskeys... and even Jamieson's as well, even though the Republic of Ireland isn't part of the UK like Northern Ireland is.
I found this amusing. Some of these bloody stuck up Americans just need to take the tampons out of their arsses and relax with a cup of tea.
Ain't got no real weat Kate. You've got to have real wheat to make good whiskey. or is that waves of grain?